The Marriage

I met my ex husband in 1995. We met a week before he graduated from High School. I was a junior at the time. That same year, just 5 months later he asked me to marry him. He asked me several times before I finally accepted his proposal. We married in 1998. I was 20 years old at the time I got married. Looking back I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I see how wrong and desperate I was. Just recently, I caught an episode of Dr. Phil (yes, I admit I do watch him on occasion). In this episode he said something along these lines: When a person gets married, they are doing so for one of two reasons. Either they have met their mate, the one God intended and are truly in love OR they are running from something else. Looking back, I know I was running from something. We were both going through specific issues within our families and I honestly believe we were looking to escape it and just happened to be there for one another. He was running from his past and I was running from mine. We both just wanted to be happy and were naïve enough to believe we could find happiness in each other.

We had a long distance engagement. He lived 100 miles away while he went to school. We saw each other for a few hours every weekend. We did not spend the amount of time together that a normal engaged couple would spend. Honestly, I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was in love with the idea of marriage. But I knew nothing of love. I was not in love. I believed I could create it.

Our wedding was in January of 1998. Our first daughter was born in December of the same year. I had a high risk pregnancy, so our first year as a married couple was stressful. We both worked full time (with the exception of my 2 months of bed rest). We never talked. We never spent time together. He came home from work and watched tv. I usually did the normal household wifey things….making dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc. I went to bed, he stayed up and watched tv. He usually left for work before I woke up every morning.

When my daughter arrived  on December 16^th, I knew what love was. True and unconditional love. I remember looking at her and asking myself how it was possible to love something SO much. Here was this tiny being (she weighed 5 pounds 5 ounces), she was our gift from God, and I loved her so much.

Although I knew then this marriage wasn’t what God intended, I felt I had to make it work because we had a child now. And wasn’t it better to raise a child in a household where BOTH parents were around rather than a single parent household? Isn’t it worth sacrificing my happiness in order to have a “complete” home for our child?

For the next 12 years of our marriage, we lived separate lives. I used to tell him we were strangers living under the same roof. And that ours wasn’t a true marriage. We had no connection. No relationship. We just happened to coexist. For most of these 12 years, we lived apart. He was always working in another city and sometimes even another state. There was even a year when I lived in one state and commuted to another for work. I was only home on the weekends. That was the most difficult time of my life. I was away from my girls for so long. It killed me.

In December of 2002, our second daughter arrived. I was in heaven. I loved being a mommy. I knew these precious angels were gifts. My happiness was in their eyes. It still is. Nothing in this world compares to the love a mother has for her children. God gave us these two beautiful and healthy babies. Does that mean His wish if for us to stay married even though we were both miserable and unhappy? I wish I knew then what I know now.

Of the 13 years we were married, we lived together for a combined total of maybe 3 of those years. When we were together in the same household, we did not get along. After several years, I was able to convince him to get marriage counseling with me. We went for several months. He admits now that he just went to go through the motions because I had given him an ultimatum: counseling or divorce. I just couldn’t live like that anymore. He was a very jealous, abusive (thank God not physically,) and manipulative person. I cherished the times he was not home and I knew that was wrong. I knew the marriage was wrong.

Shortly after the counseling sessions ended, he made the decision to move to Arizona. I agreed to come hoping it would be a fresh start. It was far from a fresh start. Nothing changed, and in fact, things got worse. Shortly after the move, he confessed some things to me and promised me he would work to be a better man, husband, and father. I immersed myself in church, women’s bible studies and reading the bible. Through God’s word, I was able to forgive his past indiscretions. But the day to day mental and emotional abuse continued. And still, I vowed to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. I had to, didn’t I? We had two kids. The last thing I wanted was for them to be children of divorce.

If I am good at anything, it is how easy I can put on a smile and pretend everything is OK, even when I am dying inside. I can make anyone believe I have the best husband and marriage. He even played along. When we were around others, he was a totally different man than the one I saw at home. But then again, I was different too.

It has now been over a year since I left him. Often people ask me what the final straw was….that last big thing he did to make me leave. And there was not one final thing that happened but rather a culmination of things. He lied and deceived me yet again. And when he was caught in his lies, he got angry with me because I caught him. He was not sorry he lied. He was only sorry he got caught. It was then that I reflected on our marriage and took the issue to God and gave it all to Him. I knew what the answer was. I knew I needed to leave. But what would other people think? Wouldn’t this break my girls’ hearts?

So, I calmly sat him down and told him I wanted out. He agreed. He told me he wanted a divorce. I moved out a few weeks later. During this past year, he has begged and pleaded for me to come back, all the while doing some really twisted things. He still promises me he has changed but will manipulate situations and try to do things to make me angry. He filed for divorce, not me. And as he handed me the divorce papers, he asked me to come back.

I have realized he is one of those types of people that thinks he can be happy as long as he makes other people around him miserable. But the joke is on him because he is the one that is truly unhappy. And until he learns to walk with God, he will never be happy. Because God is the only one from which true happiness is found. I pray for him daily. Even though his manipulations continue on a daily basis, I do wish him true happiness. What saddens me the most is how he uses his children as part of his sick games.

Of course, his manipulations have increased since I informed him that I recently found someone. I know I will never be free of this man because we have children together. But I can choose to ignore him and focus on my children and the lives I want for them.

Between you and me, I didn’t expect to find someone. I thought my heart was closed off from love forever. I honestly expected to be alone for the rest of time because I was so afraid of my own feelings. I was afraid of discovering who I was and what I wanted. Finding this man was unexpected. I never knew what being in love was. I now know. But I find myself struggling in my new relationship because of my past. The key is communication with my new “someone”. I share my feelings with him, even though it is the hardest thing for me to do. He knows my past, he knows my struggles, and he waits patiently for me to work through them. Instead of getting angry with me because I voiced one of my insecurities, he loves me and tells me he understands why I feel the way I do. He tells me he will wait for me because I am worth it.

God has sent me 3 angels; my daughters and my new love. I am so incredibly blessed.