It has been a few days since my last post. The support I am receiving through this new outlet is astonishing. I have so many great family and friends! I have received emails and comments that have left me speechless and overjoyed. Thank you so much! Please help me to reach as many women as possible by passing along my blog address.
I am a firm believer in my past making me the strong, independent woman I am today. There are some things in my past I am not proud of and some things I had no control over. But it was these times in my life that make me realize I can overcome difficulties I may face in the future. All too often I hear excuses people make to justify their actions; I was physically abused, I was sexually abused as a child, my father was an alcoholic, I was given up for adoption, etc… Don’t get me wrong, I am not downplaying any of these things. These are all serious, life changing events. BUT they do not have to define who you are. They will play a part in your life. Your memories of these things will never completely disappear. But you can become a better, stronger person because of them.
I do not remember much of my childhood before the age of 9. I have very few memories of anything at all. Honestly, the memories I do have happen to be the same “memories” caught on camera. The mind is a perplexing device. I do not know if the memories I have are real or simply what I have seen in pictures and old tapes.
I was sexually abused by 3 different people. 2 of these people were family members. What confuses me most is that I remember every detail of most of these instances and nothing else of these times in my life. Even more astounding is I did not remember any of these instances until I was 15 years old when another major event in my life happened; something that broke down the mental blocks I had unknowingly carried all those years.
For so long I carried around guilt because I had “allowed these things to happen to me”. I was ashamed. I couldn’t talk about it. It took another 15 years to overcome my guilt and shame. I had NO reason to feel guilty. I had no reason to feel ashamed. I did not do these things to me. Someone else did. He should be ashamed. And I believe each one of them is. Although one of them has since passed away, I truly believe in my heart he was sorry. And I have forgiven them all.
I could have made a major decision to hide behind these excuses. But I chose not to. I did not want these to be defining moments in my life. What three perverted people did to me all those years ago is not what makes me whole, but they are a part of me and who I am today.
Because of the abuse, I talk to my daughters often about what is appropriate and what isn’t. I urge you to do the same. Make sure they have someone to talk to if they don’t feel comfortable with you. As a parent, you may not be able to stop it, but you can help your children to understand it. There is hope. More importantly, there is healing.
A few years ago I was able to counsel a mother who found out her daughter had been sexually abused by a family member. I was able to relate on every level with this precious child. It was then that I knew I could use my past devastation to help those who were or had been in the same situations. This is one of the gifts God has given me. And I am so blessed to be sharing my story.
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