Forgiveness

Do you ever experience times in your life when there is an underlying “theme”? These are the instances when it seems everyone is talking to you about the same subject. This happened to me over the course of the last six days. I have learned to listen when this happens. There is a reason different people, in different areas of my life, are talking about the same thing.

The topic first came up while at dinner with one of my newest, but closest friends. The topic was forgiveness. She asked me if it was wrong to not want to forgive someone who had hurt her so deeply over six months ago. She told me a part of her wanted to call this person and offer forgiveness. Maybe this would help her move on? But then again, she wasn’t ready to see this person who had hurt her so deeply be happy because she was “releasing” him from the hurt he had caused her. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. The fact is, she isn’t ready to forgive. Some wounds that others intentionally or unintentionally give us run deeper than others. Therefore, it takes longer to forgive. If it takes her another 6 months before she is able to forgive, then that is what it takes. There is no set timelines on the healing road to forgiveness.

Some people ask us for our forgiveness. Others will never believe they hurt you, no matter how hard you attempt to make them see the damage they have done to your heart. When we are asked for our forgiveness, it is a big deal, not only for the person that has asked, but for you. I truly believe that in order to forgive someone, your heart has to be on the mend. Don’t ever tell someone you forgive them when you don’t. They will move on with their lives and leave the hurt in the past while you harbor anger and resentment. That will only come back to hurt you over and over again as you carry these toxic feelings into your future relationships.

On the other hand, I do believe you can forgive someone without them asking for your forgiveness. But I also believe the road to forgiving these people is longer and harder. Because are they really sorry? Do they have to be? It took me a long time to arrive at the forgiveness point with one of the relatives who sexually abused me for many years. But I could not carry it with me anymore. Just because he committed suicide, why did that mean I had to carry this with me for the rest of my life? He paid the ultimate price for what he did. Why did I feel the need to suffer for the rest of my days? So, I forgave him. He never asked for my forgiveness. But in order to break free from the prison I had encased myself in, I needed to let it go. The truth is, forgiveness has NOTHING to do with your relationships here on earth and everything to do with your relationship with God.

Over the weekend, I spoke with my ex about forgiveness. He was unfaithful to me, among other things. I had forgiven him for his unfaithfulness several years ago when he asked me. I admit, I was not able to do so at the moment he asked me. I had to pray about it, think about it, and determine whether or not I wanted another self-inflicted incarceration. After a few days, I went to him and offered my wholehearted forgiveness. But here is the funny thing; to forgive does not mean to forget. If we forgot everything we have forgiven, we would all be running around this earth with no heart, no compassion, no soul, and nothing to give. On the other hand, when you forgive someone, do not bring it up if you choose to continue in the relationship. The problem my ex and I had was that HE kept bringing it up. It was obvious that HE never forgave himself. He had never given his sin to Christ. He never asked God for forgiveness. He didn’t need my forgiveness. He needed God’s. He has realized this now. Unfortunately it was too late for us to work things out. My only hope is that he has learned from it so his future relationship does not suffer.

Yesterday’s sermon also touched on forgiveness. Pastor said these words: If you can’t forgive, you are only poisoning yourself.

So as I reflect on the forgiveness message I apparently needed to hear, it became clear that I needed to forgive and let go of all of the hurts I had in my marriage. There was far more than his unfaithfulness to forgive and let go. He has not asked me, but I forgive him. I no longer want this poison, this self made prison. My purpose in life is not to walk this earth holding on to the hurts others have given me.

What better way to truly live than by extending forgiveness?