Insanity

Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome each time. What I have come to realize is I have done this in several areas of my life, especially with men. Looking back over my past relationships, I have dated (and married) the same types of men. The sexual abuse has had a tremendous impact on the type of men I have chosen. It would be absurd to think otherwise.  I have never once had a man who has been faithful. I tend to choose the liars, the manipulators, and the cheaters. Each one of them promised me the world, but were never the men they claimed to be.

I had a rude awakening several months ago when I became infatuated with a man who promised me the world. We talked at length about the importance of faithfulness and what it meant to have a “real” marriage. I was cautious. I was slow to trust. But ashamedly, I let myself fall. I let myself be swept away with his words. I was so desperate to be loved. I was so desperate to feel wanted. And he told me everything I wanted to hear.

Soon after I fell for him, I was contacted by his fiancé. He had been living with and engaged to this woman for over a year. It turns out he had several women and many different kids. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. That was a jarring moment for me. Thankfully, I have become great friends with the woman he was engaged to. She is still in my life and we talk as often as possible. She is the blessing that came from my last (and hopefully final) lapse in judgment.

But there, waiting in the background was this wonderful man who truly wants me. I met him a few months before falling for the aforementioned loser. We became friends and talked almost daily. He was there for me throughout this brain dead season of my life. He waited for me. He knows everything about me and he still wants me. He has never pressured me. Before I knew it, he had become my best friend, my confidante. He knows more about me than anyone else. I have never felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with a man. I have never wanted or needed to share my past and all my faults with a man. Now I do so without the fear of being judged or the fear of rejection. So THIS is what it feels like to love and to be loved!

It took me a while to realize that what I really wanted was in front of me. This guy is everything I want, more than I deserve, and the total opposite of what I have always fallen for. He is the cure for my insanity. He is the one who encourages me and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. What more can a girl ask for?