The Divorce "Judgement"

A few days ago I was speaking to an acquaintance I have known for several years when the news of my recent engagement came up in the conversation. He seemed surprised and asked me how long I have been divorced. True, I have only been divorced for 6 months but I was separated for a year before that. Then it got me to thinking: How long were we actually “together” in the 13 years of marriage? So, I sat down and figured it out. First off, our entire 3 years of courtship was spent apart. We would see each other on weekends. And on those weekends, we would only spend a few hours together because he lived in another city and worked on the weekends. Once we were married, we were able to spend the first 2 years together. Those first two years were eventful. We had our first child and lost our house in the Cerro Grande Fire. In late 2000 until early 2005, he worked in another city and would come home on the weekends when he was not working overtime. In early 2005, he accepted a job in Phoenix. He moved to Phoenix, leaving me and both kids in Los Alamos to sell the house. Until 2008, we were apart with one or both of us working in another city. He was not active in my life or the kid’s lives at all. It was more like we were friends and he would come and “crash” at my place when he was in town. In 2008, he fell into a deep depression and could not hold a job. Nor was he actively looking for work. I took on another job, attended school full time, and took care of the kids and the house. Looking back, I see how exhausted I always was, running around like that. I begged him to go to a therapist, to speak to someone at church, or even a friend. In the fall of 2009, I gave him an ultimatum…..either seek help, or I was leaving. It was then that he asked me for a divorce. For the next few months I actively searched for a new place to live. All the while he was waffling between wanting a divorce, to wanting to work it out. I just couldn’t take the pressure anymore. I couldn’t take the fact that I was never good enough, or working hard enough to meet his standards. I could never measure up to this “idea” in his head of what a wife should be.

Of course, in all of this I learned about his indiscretions and other addictions he has. I wanted to work it out so badly. I did not want my kids to come from a “broken” home. I wanted them to always have mommy and daddy around and in the same house. But, were we really around for them? Weren’t we already broken? Our family life was not what it should have been. It took me a long time to see that and to come to the realization that we were better apart than together.

My ex did seek counseling. It turns out he was depressed and also suffers from bipolar disorder. He takes medication daily but the verbal abuse and the change in personality from one extreme to another has not stopped. And after numerous conversations with his therapist, it is not likely to ever stop.

So, as I think about how some may perceive that I am moving TOO fast into getting married again, I think about how I was alone, even when we were married. I think about the fact that just because I had a marriage certificate does not mean I was married. We were far from it. There is no doubt that I feel lighter and so much more in control of my own life these days. I no longer feel like I have to support the world on my shoulders, and be the sunshine in someone else’s life. That alone was a full time job for me. I honestly felt like I had another child that I had to support emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally.

I used to think poorly upon people who move so quickly into another relationship so soon after a divorce. Not anymore. Because who am I to judge? Especially since I know nothing of what went on in their marriage. No one does. And I have also discovered that those who are so quickly to judge  another person’s marriage or relationship are suffering in their own marriage. I know this, because I was one of “those” people.

Hurt

When we are hurt so deeply and too many times I believe we subconsciously push people away as a means of protecting ourselves. This has been a struggle of mine for quite some time. At first I didn’t realize I was doing it. I was so afraid of being belittled and berated for my feelings, that it became easier for me to keep them bottled inside and walk away. There were times in my marriage when I would finally summon the nerve to share my feelings with my (then) husband. It would take me days, sometimes even weeks to muster up the courage to do so. Invariably, I would be shut down; told I was wasting his time, or completely ignored.  On the other hand, he would get angry at me for not sharing my feelings with him. He would say, “I wish you would share with me. You never tell me what is going on in your life. You never share your feelings.” I remember on one occasion, after he told me these very words, I gathered the strength to share my feelings only to hear him say “What makes you think I want to hear this?” It was devastating. Each time I tried to share myself with him I was pushed away.

Now I find myself getting scared and freaked out wondering if my close friends and family will say these same things to me. So, rather than share my true feelings, I will keep my mouth shut and walk away. I also push people away. I will question their intent. What frustrates me the most is the fact that I KNOW I am doing it. But the fear has me in an immense grip and sometimes I just can’t let it go. I am so afraid of getting hurt by those that I love, that I would rather retreat into my shell.

It is an ongoing battle that I must face, one that I have to fight every day. Some days, I question no one. Other days, I wonder if those who proclaim to love me, will eventually hurt me.  I crave the unconditional love but question it when I receive it.

I find myself to be overly cautious. I am fighting a battle within myself. There are people in my life that I know would never hurt me. Yet, these are the people I question the most, the ones that I push away.  But isn’t this self defeating? All I am doing is placing myself on the losing team. Although my fears are not unfounded, I cannot live my life in a self made prison of fear. I don’t want to hurt people by pushing them away just because of the broken relationships of my past. I don’t want to question the motives of the ones I love the most.  They don’t deserve it. And neither do I.

I am choosing to not let my past define me and the relationships that God has blessed me with. Each day is a battle, but one I am prepared to win.

Passing Judgment

It seems to me more people are looking around and pointing fingers at everyone else rather than focusing on their own shortcomings. Why do so many people care about what others are doing and the decisions they make? Why are there so many judgmental people? Am I being judgmental by “calling out” these people??? The fact of the matter is, if more people would concentrate on themselves and their relationship with God, this world would be a kinder, gentler, and more peaceful place.

This past week, I was judged for something my 12 year old daughter did. Really???? My daughter makes her own choices. She is responsible enough and ethical enough to choose her way in life. I believe I have raised her (and am still raising her) the way I am supposed to. I have equipped her with the tools to face the world and most of life’s difficulties. She is far too old to have me holding her hand as she makes some of life’s hardest decisions, especially when it comes to friends. If I am there to catch her every time she falls, then what lesson has she learned? She has to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Although I may not agree with every decision, I will stand by her as she makes it, and then comfort her when she falls. But I refuse to baby her. Any issues that arise between her and her friends are THEIR issues. I refuse to get involved. She is old enough to create, nurture, and treasure meaningful relationships.

I also had the pleasure of justifying my recent move. I was halfway through the explanation of why I moved (into a much nicer, bigger house) when I realized I did not owe my ex ANY type of explanation. As he walked away, judging me under his breath, I thought to myself “You are not God; therefore you do not have the right to judge me!”

I also had someone call me an adulterer and a manipulator. At first I started to get upset and hurt that this person would stoop to such a low level. Are we still in high school? Then I realized the simple fact that anyone who knows me also knows I am anything but this type of person. And obviously this person does not know both sides of the divorce story. Nor does he have all of the facts. But that is not my place. As much as I wanted to tell this person everything my ex did to me, I knew it wouldn’t be right. As much as I wanted to prove this person wrong, and divulge things he would cringe to know about my ex, I decided it was best that I just leave it alone and walk away.

When I look at these people who judge me the harshest, I realize these are the people that are too afraid to deal with their own demons, that they throw judgment onto others. In each case, I had to step back and consider the source of the judgments. Each of the “judges” is so unhappy with themselves, that they feel the need to judge me, my life, and my kids. So, each night I pray for each of them. I pray they will find happiness, release their demons, extend forgiveness, and focus forward towards a true and meaningful relationship with God. Only then will they realize it is not their place to judge others.

Call me crazy!

Call me crazy, but I have decided to start a new business venture. As many of you know, I am a Chief Financial Officer by trade. I have wonderful bosses who allow me the advantage to work from home. Although I enjoy my work tremendously, I decided to expand on a hobby I absolutely adore.

I started scrapbooking more than 13 years ago when I was pregnant and placed on bedrest. I had nothing else to do but create a scrapbook and watch Lifetime TV. Needless to say, scrapbooking became a love and a passion of mine. (As did Lifetime TV and LMN)

Over time, I have created keepsakes and albums not only for myself but for others as well. Throughout the years, I have met other women who share my passion.

Another thing I have always wanted to do was create a legitimate business to employ stay at home moms or people who cannot work outside of the home for other reasons. I sold Mary Kay and Close to My Heart for years but I was forced to invest in these businesses. Finding reputable at home jobs without the upfront costs is near impossible. In this new venture, I will be employing “at home employees” who possess creative skills. I will supply all of the materials and they can work as much or as little as they want. What a great opportunity! The gratification from my new business venture is already overwhelming.

When I told my extremely supportive mom about my new business, she was worried that I already have too many irons in the fire: my job as a CFO, blogging, being a single mother, and now this. And it got me to thinking: Is it possible to be pulled in too many directions when you are doing something you love? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. On the other hand, I have discovered this: if you surround yourself with individuals who want the same things you want, and share the same goals, you cannot fail.

Wish me luck and/or call me crazy! While you are at it, check out my Facebook page: Pics 2 Pages Scrapbooking

https://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Pics-2-Pages-Scrapbooking/185866164795960

Forgiveness

Do you ever experience times in your life when there is an underlying “theme”? These are the instances when it seems everyone is talking to you about the same subject. This happened to me over the course of the last six days. I have learned to listen when this happens. There is a reason different people, in different areas of my life, are talking about the same thing.

The topic first came up while at dinner with one of my newest, but closest friends. The topic was forgiveness. She asked me if it was wrong to not want to forgive someone who had hurt her so deeply over six months ago. She told me a part of her wanted to call this person and offer forgiveness. Maybe this would help her move on? But then again, she wasn’t ready to see this person who had hurt her so deeply be happy because she was “releasing” him from the hurt he had caused her. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. The fact is, she isn’t ready to forgive. Some wounds that others intentionally or unintentionally give us run deeper than others. Therefore, it takes longer to forgive. If it takes her another 6 months before she is able to forgive, then that is what it takes. There is no set timelines on the healing road to forgiveness.

Some people ask us for our forgiveness. Others will never believe they hurt you, no matter how hard you attempt to make them see the damage they have done to your heart. When we are asked for our forgiveness, it is a big deal, not only for the person that has asked, but for you. I truly believe that in order to forgive someone, your heart has to be on the mend. Don’t ever tell someone you forgive them when you don’t. They will move on with their lives and leave the hurt in the past while you harbor anger and resentment. That will only come back to hurt you over and over again as you carry these toxic feelings into your future relationships.

On the other hand, I do believe you can forgive someone without them asking for your forgiveness. But I also believe the road to forgiving these people is longer and harder. Because are they really sorry? Do they have to be? It took me a long time to arrive at the forgiveness point with one of the relatives who sexually abused me for many years. But I could not carry it with me anymore. Just because he committed suicide, why did that mean I had to carry this with me for the rest of my life? He paid the ultimate price for what he did. Why did I feel the need to suffer for the rest of my days? So, I forgave him. He never asked for my forgiveness. But in order to break free from the prison I had encased myself in, I needed to let it go. The truth is, forgiveness has NOTHING to do with your relationships here on earth and everything to do with your relationship with God.

Over the weekend, I spoke with my ex about forgiveness. He was unfaithful to me, among other things. I had forgiven him for his unfaithfulness several years ago when he asked me. I admit, I was not able to do so at the moment he asked me. I had to pray about it, think about it, and determine whether or not I wanted another self-inflicted incarceration. After a few days, I went to him and offered my wholehearted forgiveness. But here is the funny thing; to forgive does not mean to forget. If we forgot everything we have forgiven, we would all be running around this earth with no heart, no compassion, no soul, and nothing to give. On the other hand, when you forgive someone, do not bring it up if you choose to continue in the relationship. The problem my ex and I had was that HE kept bringing it up. It was obvious that HE never forgave himself. He had never given his sin to Christ. He never asked God for forgiveness. He didn’t need my forgiveness. He needed God’s. He has realized this now. Unfortunately it was too late for us to work things out. My only hope is that he has learned from it so his future relationship does not suffer.

Yesterday’s sermon also touched on forgiveness. Pastor said these words: If you can’t forgive, you are only poisoning yourself.

So as I reflect on the forgiveness message I apparently needed to hear, it became clear that I needed to forgive and let go of all of the hurts I had in my marriage. There was far more than his unfaithfulness to forgive and let go. He has not asked me, but I forgive him. I no longer want this poison, this self made prison. My purpose in life is not to walk this earth holding on to the hurts others have given me.

What better way to truly live than by extending forgiveness?

Insanity

Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome each time. What I have come to realize is I have done this in several areas of my life, especially with men. Looking back over my past relationships, I have dated (and married) the same types of men. The sexual abuse has had a tremendous impact on the type of men I have chosen. It would be absurd to think otherwise.  I have never once had a man who has been faithful. I tend to choose the liars, the manipulators, and the cheaters. Each one of them promised me the world, but were never the men they claimed to be.

I had a rude awakening several months ago when I became infatuated with a man who promised me the world. We talked at length about the importance of faithfulness and what it meant to have a “real” marriage. I was cautious. I was slow to trust. But ashamedly, I let myself fall. I let myself be swept away with his words. I was so desperate to be loved. I was so desperate to feel wanted. And he told me everything I wanted to hear.

Soon after I fell for him, I was contacted by his fiancé. He had been living with and engaged to this woman for over a year. It turns out he had several women and many different kids. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. That was a jarring moment for me. Thankfully, I have become great friends with the woman he was engaged to. She is still in my life and we talk as often as possible. She is the blessing that came from my last (and hopefully final) lapse in judgment.

But there, waiting in the background was this wonderful man who truly wants me. I met him a few months before falling for the aforementioned loser. We became friends and talked almost daily. He was there for me throughout this brain dead season of my life. He waited for me. He knows everything about me and he still wants me. He has never pressured me. Before I knew it, he had become my best friend, my confidante. He knows more about me than anyone else. I have never felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with a man. I have never wanted or needed to share my past and all my faults with a man. Now I do so without the fear of being judged or the fear of rejection. So THIS is what it feels like to love and to be loved!

It took me a while to realize that what I really wanted was in front of me. This guy is everything I want, more than I deserve, and the total opposite of what I have always fallen for. He is the cure for my insanity. He is the one who encourages me and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. What more can a girl ask for?

Impatience

I consider myself to be a fairly patient person. I am the one that always picks the wrong line at the checkout or gas pump. But rather than switch lines or move to an empty pump, I will remain where I am. I am not sure why I do this. I think it is my fear of failure. I mean, if I go to another line, wouldn’t that be admitting I failed at picking the “right” line? Is there a “right” line?

I am finding myself extremely impatient in my current career situation. After many months of no pay, hard work, dedication, and self discipline, I can finally see the payoff. I said I could “see” it….I don’t have it quite yet. It is dangling directly in front of me, just out of my reach. This is what is causing me to become frustrated. I know I am about to be rewarded on so many levels but I don’t understand why I must wait. I want it NOW.

But I have been reminded of two things this past week; God will never give me more than I can handle (I just wish he didn’t trust me so much sometimes) and all good things come to those who wait.

I will be reaching my goal soon enough. And then I will set another one for myself and keep trudging forward because this is what we do. We try, we fail, we try again, and then we succeed. But through all my tries, all my failures, and all my successes, I have been blessed enough to have the same great circle of family and friends around me. And during my new venture as a blogger, I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones.

I am receiving so many blessings. I need to stop letting the impatience I carry in one aspect of my life to overshadow the blessings I have been given.

“A true friend is someone that knows the song of your soul, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words” ~ Anonymous

Thank you!!!

Moving On

It has been a few days since my last post. The support I am receiving through this new outlet is astonishing. I have so many great family and friends! I have received emails and comments that have left me speechless and overjoyed. Thank you so much! Please help me to reach as many women as possible by passing along my blog address.

I am a firm believer in my past making me the strong, independent woman I am today. There are some things in my past I am not proud of and some things I had no control over. But it was these times in my life that make me realize I can overcome difficulties I may face in the future. All too often I hear excuses people make to justify their actions; I was physically abused, I was sexually abused as a child, my father was an alcoholic, I was given up for adoption, etc… Don’t get me wrong, I am not downplaying any of these things. These are all serious, life changing events. BUT they do not have to define who you are. They will play a part in your life. Your memories of these things will never completely disappear. But you can become a better, stronger person because of them.

I do not remember much of my childhood before the age of 9.  I have very few memories of anything at all. Honestly, the memories I do have happen to be the same “memories” caught on camera. The mind is a perplexing device. I do not know if the memories I have are real or simply what I have seen in pictures and old tapes.

I was sexually abused by 3 different people. 2 of these people were family members.  What confuses me most is that I remember every detail of most of these instances and nothing else of these times in my life. Even more astounding is I did not remember any of these instances until I was 15 years old when another major event in my life happened; something that broke down the mental blocks I had unknowingly carried all those years.

For so long I carried around guilt because I had “allowed these things to happen to me”. I was ashamed. I couldn’t talk about it. It took another 15 years to overcome my guilt and shame. I had NO reason to feel guilty. I had no reason to feel ashamed. I did not do these things to me. Someone else did. He should be ashamed. And I believe each one of them is. Although one of them has since passed away, I truly believe in my heart he was sorry. And I have forgiven them all.

I could have made a major decision to hide behind these excuses. But I chose not to. I did not want these to be defining moments in my life. What three perverted people did to me all those years ago is not what makes me whole, but they are a part of me and who I am today.

Because of the abuse, I talk to my daughters often about what is appropriate and what isn’t. I urge you to do the same. Make sure they have someone to talk to if they don’t feel comfortable with you. As a parent, you may not be able to stop it, but you can help your children to understand it. There is hope. More importantly, there is healing.

A few years ago I was able to counsel a mother who found out her daughter had been sexually abused by a family member. I was able to relate on every level with this precious child. It was then that I knew I could use my past devastation to help those who were or had been in the same situations.  This is one of the gifts God has given me. And I am so blessed to be sharing my story.

The Tweenager

I could not imagine my life without my two wonderful daughters, ages 12 and 8. Although, I will admit there are times they leave me totally speechless. These specific times are the moments I am completely convinced they temporarily lose their minds. It happens more frequently with the “tweenager”. My oldest can go from extreme happiness to total devastation in 2.2 seconds.  What happens in theses 2.2 seconds that makes the child go insane?  I watch her (admittedly a little scared) to see if her head will start spinning or her eyes will turn red and shoot lightning bolts. Thankfully these moments do not last long. And for now, she is reasonable to talk with once her “episode” has ended. It took me a while to learn to walk away during her moments. You cannot reason with the child during one of these “tweenage” episodes.

The latest episode involved a volleyball and sharpies. Yes, you read that right. She wanted me to drop everything I was doing and take her to the store. Apparently it is SO COOL to write and decorate a volleyball with sharpies. When I was young, we actually PLAYED with the volleyball. I may have said something along these lines to her leading to the head spinning, red lightning bolt eyes. Telling a tweenager “no” is like putting yourself in front of a firing squad and hoping for the best. And to think I have several more years of this. When she is done, the other child will be in the midst of her episodes. I have 10 more years of these wonderful “moments”.

So Mom, I wanted to take a moment and say “I’m Sorry!” I am sorry for making you cry every morning before I went to school. I am sorry you were so afraid of my attitude that you softly knocked on my bedroom door, handed me a cup of coffee through the small opening I gave you, and ran and hid until after I left. Those Jr. High and High School years were rough on you. I see that now. Please forgive me?

I have one more thing to ask you Mom; can you please lift the “I hope you have TWO just like you curse”?

The Black Swan

Last night I watched the highly talked about movie The Black Swan. The movie is about a woman who has waited a long time to get the leading role in a ballet. After 4 arduous years, she finally gets the lead. However, she has very little belief and faith in herself. Throughout the movie she avoids her inner demons leading to the ultimate sacrifice of self destruction. Not only was I left in disbelief when the movie ended, but I began to ponder my own inner demons. What demons am I running from? It is time to face these demons and set myself free. God has given me strengths that I am not utilizing because of my fears. Everyone has a fear of rejection, a fear of putting themselves out there, and a fear of being laughed at, made fun or, or mocked. But enough is enough. I can be a better person by not allowing these things to hold me down. The demons suffocate me. This is not the life God intended for me. He wants me to be happy, fearless for Him, and courageous.

The Black Swan was nothing short of strange but it made me think a lot about the way women often sacrifice themselves to be the best at everything. Each and every one of us strives to be the best employee, wife, daughter, mother, sister, friend, girlfriend, etc.  But in doing so, we often lose who we are. To a fault, we give whatever it takes to make sure the ones we love have everything they want and need. We have this insane belief that WE have the sole ability and responsibility to provide those we love with their complete and total happiness. Somewhere along the way we forget about our own happiness and what it is we want and need.  I have no desire to become a selfish person nor am I saying we should stop giving all that we have to others. But when is enough finally going to be enough? And when can we take a step back and evaluate or lives in order to figure out if we are using our God given talents in the right way?

The first and most important step is to take time for YOU. Stop for a moment and take the time to write down your goals. What do YOU want for YOU? Not what do you want for your children, significant other, etc…What do you want for YOU? Then take small steps to get there. I was amazed to find most of my inner demons have to do with unresolved relationships. Forgiveness is a powerful word. It is necessary to take the time to explore the demons you are running from, embrace them, deal with them, and release them to God.

Perhaps one of the most gratifying things I have learned to do is this: When I feel the need to call, write, email, or text someone, I will stop whatever I am doing to do so. When people “pop” into your head for no reason, stop what you are doing and reach out to them. I can guarantee they need you. And they need to hear what you have to say. You will be amazed and blessed with the results.

Don’t run from your inner demons. Deal with them. Give them to God. Only then can you truly find peace and happiness.

The Marriage

I met my ex husband in 1995. We met a week before he graduated from High School. I was a junior at the time. That same year, just 5 months later he asked me to marry him. He asked me several times before I finally accepted his proposal. We married in 1998. I was 20 years old at the time I got married. Looking back I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I see how wrong and desperate I was. Just recently, I caught an episode of Dr. Phil (yes, I admit I do watch him on occasion). In this episode he said something along these lines: When a person gets married, they are doing so for one of two reasons. Either they have met their mate, the one God intended and are truly in love OR they are running from something else. Looking back, I know I was running from something. We were both going through specific issues within our families and I honestly believe we were looking to escape it and just happened to be there for one another. He was running from his past and I was running from mine. We both just wanted to be happy and were naïve enough to believe we could find happiness in each other.

We had a long distance engagement. He lived 100 miles away while he went to school. We saw each other for a few hours every weekend. We did not spend the amount of time together that a normal engaged couple would spend. Honestly, I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was in love with the idea of marriage. But I knew nothing of love. I was not in love. I believed I could create it.

Our wedding was in January of 1998. Our first daughter was born in December of the same year. I had a high risk pregnancy, so our first year as a married couple was stressful. We both worked full time (with the exception of my 2 months of bed rest). We never talked. We never spent time together. He came home from work and watched tv. I usually did the normal household wifey things….making dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc. I went to bed, he stayed up and watched tv. He usually left for work before I woke up every morning.

When my daughter arrived  on December 16^th, I knew what love was. True and unconditional love. I remember looking at her and asking myself how it was possible to love something SO much. Here was this tiny being (she weighed 5 pounds 5 ounces), she was our gift from God, and I loved her so much.

Although I knew then this marriage wasn’t what God intended, I felt I had to make it work because we had a child now. And wasn’t it better to raise a child in a household where BOTH parents were around rather than a single parent household? Isn’t it worth sacrificing my happiness in order to have a “complete” home for our child?

For the next 12 years of our marriage, we lived separate lives. I used to tell him we were strangers living under the same roof. And that ours wasn’t a true marriage. We had no connection. No relationship. We just happened to coexist. For most of these 12 years, we lived apart. He was always working in another city and sometimes even another state. There was even a year when I lived in one state and commuted to another for work. I was only home on the weekends. That was the most difficult time of my life. I was away from my girls for so long. It killed me.

In December of 2002, our second daughter arrived. I was in heaven. I loved being a mommy. I knew these precious angels were gifts. My happiness was in their eyes. It still is. Nothing in this world compares to the love a mother has for her children. God gave us these two beautiful and healthy babies. Does that mean His wish if for us to stay married even though we were both miserable and unhappy? I wish I knew then what I know now.

Of the 13 years we were married, we lived together for a combined total of maybe 3 of those years. When we were together in the same household, we did not get along. After several years, I was able to convince him to get marriage counseling with me. We went for several months. He admits now that he just went to go through the motions because I had given him an ultimatum: counseling or divorce. I just couldn’t live like that anymore. He was a very jealous, abusive (thank God not physically,) and manipulative person. I cherished the times he was not home and I knew that was wrong. I knew the marriage was wrong.

Shortly after the counseling sessions ended, he made the decision to move to Arizona. I agreed to come hoping it would be a fresh start. It was far from a fresh start. Nothing changed, and in fact, things got worse. Shortly after the move, he confessed some things to me and promised me he would work to be a better man, husband, and father. I immersed myself in church, women’s bible studies and reading the bible. Through God’s word, I was able to forgive his past indiscretions. But the day to day mental and emotional abuse continued. And still, I vowed to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. I had to, didn’t I? We had two kids. The last thing I wanted was for them to be children of divorce.

If I am good at anything, it is how easy I can put on a smile and pretend everything is OK, even when I am dying inside. I can make anyone believe I have the best husband and marriage. He even played along. When we were around others, he was a totally different man than the one I saw at home. But then again, I was different too.

It has now been over a year since I left him. Often people ask me what the final straw was….that last big thing he did to make me leave. And there was not one final thing that happened but rather a culmination of things. He lied and deceived me yet again. And when he was caught in his lies, he got angry with me because I caught him. He was not sorry he lied. He was only sorry he got caught. It was then that I reflected on our marriage and took the issue to God and gave it all to Him. I knew what the answer was. I knew I needed to leave. But what would other people think? Wouldn’t this break my girls’ hearts?

So, I calmly sat him down and told him I wanted out. He agreed. He told me he wanted a divorce. I moved out a few weeks later. During this past year, he has begged and pleaded for me to come back, all the while doing some really twisted things. He still promises me he has changed but will manipulate situations and try to do things to make me angry. He filed for divorce, not me. And as he handed me the divorce papers, he asked me to come back.

I have realized he is one of those types of people that thinks he can be happy as long as he makes other people around him miserable. But the joke is on him because he is the one that is truly unhappy. And until he learns to walk with God, he will never be happy. Because God is the only one from which true happiness is found. I pray for him daily. Even though his manipulations continue on a daily basis, I do wish him true happiness. What saddens me the most is how he uses his children as part of his sick games.

Of course, his manipulations have increased since I informed him that I recently found someone. I know I will never be free of this man because we have children together. But I can choose to ignore him and focus on my children and the lives I want for them.

Between you and me, I didn’t expect to find someone. I thought my heart was closed off from love forever. I honestly expected to be alone for the rest of time because I was so afraid of my own feelings. I was afraid of discovering who I was and what I wanted. Finding this man was unexpected. I never knew what being in love was. I now know. But I find myself struggling in my new relationship because of my past. The key is communication with my new “someone”. I share my feelings with him, even though it is the hardest thing for me to do. He knows my past, he knows my struggles, and he waits patiently for me to work through them. Instead of getting angry with me because I voiced one of my insecurities, he loves me and tells me he understands why I feel the way I do. He tells me he will wait for me because I am worth it.

God has sent me 3 angels; my daughters and my new love. I am so incredibly blessed.

First Steps First

Not caring about what others think about me is perhaps one of the hardest things I have had to overcome in my life. Contrary to what others may believe, I have never done anything to intentionally harm another person, animal, plant, or other object…..I am a Christian woman, but I am human. I am a sinner. Romans 3:23 says “We all fall short of the glory of God”. No matter how hard I try or the amount of effort I put in, someone will always have something negative to say. People may not agree with the way I raise my kids or the fact that I left my husband after 15 years. Why am I caring what other people think? This life is mine, given to me by God. He is the only one I need to please. God gave each of us strengths and weaknesses. He did this on purpose. Any by doing this on purpose, he provided each and every one of us with A purpose.

With that being said, I have decided to start blogging about my life. I have felt a calling to do so. I am sharing my life, my experiences, my wisdoms, and my laughter with the world. Those who care to read it can. Those who don’t…..well….WHO CARES?

There is something for everyone in my story. The mom, the divorced woman, business owner, sister, daughter, lover, abuse survivor, friend, and everything in between. I may make you cry, I may make you laugh, but I can guarantee that I will ALWAYS be here.

I cannot tell you how many times I have attempted to find encouragement online or from a book. What I realized was missing is somewhere I could go in order to relate to someone who feels the same way I do. I didn’t want statistics. I wanted REAL. I didn’t want to pick up a book at the local bookstore, read it once and place it on a bookshelf forever. Nor did I want to buy 20 books, each having it’s own topic. I wanted and needed somewhere to go where I could get encouragement and KNOW that I am not crazy because of certain thoughts or crazy things I have done.

This is what I want for you. I want you to have one place you can come every day and know YOU are real. The feelings you are having are real. But more importantly, you have a friend.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my site. I am looking forward to this new venture and making new friends.

Happy reading!