Hurt

When we are hurt so deeply and too many times I believe we subconsciously push people away as a means of protecting ourselves. This has been a struggle of mine for quite some time. At first I didn’t realize I was doing it. I was so afraid of being belittled and berated for my feelings, that it became easier for me to keep them bottled inside and walk away. There were times in my marriage when I would finally summon the nerve to share my feelings with my (then) husband. It would take me days, sometimes even weeks to muster up the courage to do so. Invariably, I would be shut down; told I was wasting his time, or completely ignored.  On the other hand, he would get angry at me for not sharing my feelings with him. He would say, “I wish you would share with me. You never tell me what is going on in your life. You never share your feelings.” I remember on one occasion, after he told me these very words, I gathered the strength to share my feelings only to hear him say “What makes you think I want to hear this?” It was devastating. Each time I tried to share myself with him I was pushed away.

Now I find myself getting scared and freaked out wondering if my close friends and family will say these same things to me. So, rather than share my true feelings, I will keep my mouth shut and walk away. I also push people away. I will question their intent. What frustrates me the most is the fact that I KNOW I am doing it. But the fear has me in an immense grip and sometimes I just can’t let it go. I am so afraid of getting hurt by those that I love, that I would rather retreat into my shell.

It is an ongoing battle that I must face, one that I have to fight every day. Some days, I question no one. Other days, I wonder if those who proclaim to love me, will eventually hurt me.  I crave the unconditional love but question it when I receive it.

I find myself to be overly cautious. I am fighting a battle within myself. There are people in my life that I know would never hurt me. Yet, these are the people I question the most, the ones that I push away.  But isn’t this self defeating? All I am doing is placing myself on the losing team. Although my fears are not unfounded, I cannot live my life in a self made prison of fear. I don’t want to hurt people by pushing them away just because of the broken relationships of my past. I don’t want to question the motives of the ones I love the most.  They don’t deserve it. And neither do I.

I am choosing to not let my past define me and the relationships that God has blessed me with. Each day is a battle, but one I am prepared to win.